Dear Seminarians

Soon you will be priests. I have a few suggestions for you:

• Always be reverent on the altar. Don't rush, don't fidget with you hands. There is nothing wrong when you fold your hands the very old fashioned way: hands together, fingers outstretched. That we love.Your hand belong on your chest not on your belly.
• Reverent does not mean theatrics: Don't grimace at the consecration. We might think you are having a heart attack or an orgasm. Neither one would be good.
• Once you are a priest you will be confronted with the "needy woman" syndrome. Yes, Victoria or, pardon me, Victor, they are for real. These are woman who will aggressivly pursue you. There are two types: if you are charismatic, they will give you messages, if you are not, they will do everything for you and would tuck you into bed if you will let them. What is wrong? They will isolate you from the other parishioners because it is mostly about them and you.
• Think what you will accept from parishioners. Parishioners will come and give you pratically anything and everything that you little heart desires. Not everything needs to be rejected but be careful.
• At least once a month have a bag lunch that includes parishioners. Yes, dear Victor, your staff can be very nasty at times. This way, they can approach you without making a formal appointment.
• Don't ever think that you will keep a secret - except that in a confessional. Yes, your staff talks, your parishioners talk. Sometimes it takes a while to get around but it will.
• Try to keep all the committees open to all people. Don't institute grace and favor jobs. They are bad for moral and bad for the church's pocket book.
• Don't start little prayer groups with just you and a few favorites. Look at the previous paragraph for the outcome. If you need a prayer group, use outsiders.
• Don't stiffle the spirit. If a parishioner wants to try a devotion that does not take away from your time, let her or him go ahead. The more the better.
• Never forget the poor and give generously to them. If you land in a rich parish, travel to Europe twice a year for a vacation (I hope you won't - even if you could) and then advertise your generosity by given a measly amount to the poor, you make people laugh if not cynical.
• Don't become a houseboy priest to your richest parishioners.