What am I going to do

A nameless friend thinks that my New Jerusalem and Paisley are possessed by demons and that is the reason they don't get along with Fritz. Help, where is the church over the Six Flags and their self-appointed exorcist, now, that I need one? What do I use? Hairspray? It should make the demons stick together so that by their own weight they will fall. Where to? Oh, dear God, let it be the Big Herod's head.

Playmates

I went to a friend's house tonight. I took my fiancee Fritz along. Much excitement over there because she has two big, strong girls and Fritz had a ball running around with them until he collapsed at my feet. My two stinkers till snarl at Fritz and/or run away. It was nice that Fritz found some playmates although they were 100 times bigger than he was. Did not seem to bother anybody. Fritz is feisty. I just got home and now Fritz is in his cage and got a second wind and is whining. OK Fritz, no, no Fritz. It is really bedtime now.

What's in a name

Forty years ago I had a landlady and she had a son and his name was Cecil. She would call "Ceeeecillll" all over the house and neighborhood to find him. He lived at home and the landlady was a weasel, rhyms with Cecil and Cecil was a real mama's boy. I never liked the name because of it. I apologize to all Cecils who don't live at home and look like Arnold.

Missing Fritz

Fritz, my financee, was boarded out. I had my floors redone in the hallway. New Jerusalem and Paisley were boarded out, too, and it is strangely quiet here. I have an empty nest. Fritz is getting a play pen shipped. That way I can work on my computer and he is next to me but cannot chew on the wires. He is a little devil. He has a male face but one friend told me that he does not look like a Fritz. I am not renaming him. It will stay Fritz.

Going blind

Visited Rabbi Seligman in the temple after feeding the homeless. The poor man is going blind! He had a big German Shepherd walking next to him. Lovely little fleece collar around his neck. And the darnest thing was that the German Shepherd must be going blind, too, because he had a lovely little poodle at his side. I think I am going blind, too, because there came the silver platter on which a female breast was passed around. Whaaaat? Oh, it was the German Shepherd's shabbesdeckel. Other than going blind Rabbi Seligmann has lost some weight and looks good but what good is it when you can see it any longer yourself?

Dining out

Fritz came to the Diner with us. I offered him a tinsy winsy bit of bacon and he refused it. I guess he is smarter than I thought. I also ordered a playpen for Fritz today. Nothing but the best for my fiancee. My floors are being refinished so Fritz will go on vacation over the weekend. As long as he gets fed, he won't mind. He has the most adorable brown eyes. Nobody in my family has brown eyes. Fritz has gained 1/2 pound. I weighed him today. He does look slightly larger. The nun and I are travelling to an overnight seminar tomorrow afternoon which should be fun. Sunday I am taking a new family up to Canada to feed the homeless.

What a friends for?

One of my Jewish friends called tonight. She had left a few phone messages for me previously but I just got around listening to all my messages today. She wanted to know if I had given her up for Lent. Nice Jewish joke. No, I had not........

So so

Questioned the branch manager a little bit about his plans today and things might not move as fast as he first indicated. I guess he must have gotten some advice from somewhere. Mrs. Fritchley put a very nice reprint into Ms. Hitchleys mail box about supporting the guy at the top. Have not seen it myself, just heard about it. We had a very nice morning with the mice again and the branch manager came along. He comes along every week. We all love that. I can't complain and if nothing happens, I will continue as is. I realize that I am busier with the Church of the Crucified and with the stuff that the nun is doing and planning constantly AND my own projects. Hey, I am busy and that is what counts. Ms. Hitchley is leaning heavily on Mrs. Donnerwetter and they go out and had tea recently and mice junior life and mice adult life is strategized. There is no thought given to consult or inform. I hear things through the gravevine.

Round, round, round

The lecture went well last night. Had a few Protestants there but was prepared for them. Seven pages of Bible references. That was enough. Our secretary will be out sick for two solid weeks over Easter. A new development. Can't help much because I will be out of the country myself. Fritz is adorable and starting to sleep through the night. Tomorrow I will have a training course with the mice on the third commandment. I keep wondering WHAT the branch manager will do after Easter. One day I care, the next day I don't. Initially I was disappointed with the little I had to do at the branch but after so many years one gets used to everything and now I am busier outside the branch and have been for a while and have adjusted to my situation. Not 100% sure I would welcome a change now but we shall see......

A good morning

Fritz, my fiancee, thinks he is betrothed to two people: my right foot and my left. I just had Fritz blessed by a black hood and here he comes with these Muslim notions thinking that he will have two wives. Sooner or later he will have to be cured of his foot fetish. I am madly in love and willing to overlook Fritz's foibles. I am teaching Monday night and under pressure to get some lecture notes together. Arrividercie......

St. Paul

Tomorrow I travel to France again and leave Fritz at home. Looking forward to a nice seminar on St. Paul.

Fritz

I took Fritz to France this morning. He got blessed. I put him in a tote bag again and he passed the road test. Any fiancee of mine has to pass the road test. Right now he is sitting at me feet and wondering if he should bite my toes. Fiancees can be so playful! At this point he is madly in love with me and if I put him in his cage, he cries. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Talked to Master Abraham, one of the black hoods, this morning. Master Abraham is my spiritual director. We both realized that with the possible changes at the branch, there might be movement in my life. I would enjoy being more active there. Our Dinner and the Bible evenings with the nun are a tremendous success. There will be 32 people coming on Monday night! During the last year or so I have become more active outside the branch than inside the branch.

All these Days

St. Patrick's Day, my late father's birthday today and tomorrow St. Joseph's Day. Mother always wore something green on St. Patrick's Day but mother's mother and father were from the Old Country. I miss mother terribly around this time and also on May 12 which was Mother's birthday. Tonight Ms. Fritchley renewed her vows of poverty, obedience and chastity. I am not sure in which order. I guess it does not matter. Fritz was with me and everyone thought how lovely my fiancee is. Finally, I could show off with a good looking male at my side who is available. Well, not quiet. In a few month, when he reaches the age of consent, I will kiss him and then he might change into a prince. Fritz, however, is not a frog, so the whole kissing party might not work. Perhaps when I kiss Fritz I will turn into a frog. Would not be surprised.

More Stories

They discovered mice in our factory. Now Mrs. Hitchley is going to "get a team together." Oh folks I can see it: the Teutonic Knights on horseback led by Damsel Hitchley are going to vanquish the mice. The poor mice don't have a chance. I am going to put up signs: Mice - if you know what is good for you clear out! You will not survive this round-up. You are history. Funny, how this line comes up recently.
We had a board meeting today. I had the honor of giving my report first because I had another get-together with all the people who were recently in the Holy Land and so I had to clear out early. Nothing was said but Mrs. Schnitzel still nurses a toothache. It was quite obvious. Also at the Holy Land get-together I spoke to two priests about a fantastic black hood speaker. Friend of Fr. Valieriano. Both gave me the go ahead to recruit him for a mission. That will keep me busy. I don't do missions at the factory and I am not even invited to participate in any planning. Never have been. Well, it is their loss.
Fritz is a riot. He eats, sleeps, pisses and all the other good stuff. Non-stop. Absolutely adorable.

The Vista Registry

I hacked into my Vista Registry today and I am the proud new owner of two new commands: Copy to Folder....and Move to Folder.....on the Vista context menu. I also bought a Sony device that is supposed to by-pass a computer and copy directly from any recording device unto a DVD. Good in theory. In practice it did not work. I did not recognize my little cheap USB Flip recorder. So back it will go on Monday. Needless to say that the tech guy at Best Buy told me it would work. I guess Sony is pulling one of these "Sony only plays with Sony" machinations. I will educate the tech guy.

Them branches

We have a branch office meeting tomorrow. The only saving grace is that I have another meeting in the afternoon and will have to go to our branch office meeting and give my report and will dash out. Heaven help me tomorrow. I hope none of them branches will hit me in the face tomorrow. I am practicing my locution: WHO? WHAT? HOW? NO WAY!

Fritzie

I went to the airport this morning to pick up Fritzie. I could not sleep all night. I was so excited. Once I got to the airport I saw no flight 657 arriving. Panic. Finally we cleared it up. My paper said clearly that Fritzie would arrive at 8:07 PM NOT AM. So now I have another few hours to look ahead for Fritzie's arrival. Fritzie will be my new 250 lbs attack dog. Fritzie is not his real name. Even a dog needs his five minutes of privacy.

It's Chinese to me - not

My local rag paper printed that the Chinese are worried about our debt. The reason they are worried is because they loaned us $1 trillion dollars. Yes, no fiction, here. A lot of people have realized for some time that we are really a subsidiary of China. If they Chinese were to dump the treasuries they own or stop buying, it will be an ugly economic picture and at this stage how much uglier could it get?

Swiss heaven

I will have to visit the branch in Switzerland because somebody put some dynamite under the cuckoo clock and the poor cuckoo was blown out of his little house and now is hanging by the broken wires outside of the clock. Apparently dead of a heart attack and/or multiple internal injuries. It was apparently another cuckoo Al Queda attack. It is difficult to find these people because they use cuckoo women suicide bombers, all in their traditional black gowns, and this one apparently flirted with our cuckoo and once she was in his nest she shouted "you're history" before she detonated herself. BLAAAM! So now I have to go to Switzerland and prepare for a funeral.

The incident

I am laughing that by astrological coincidence, tarot card reading, tea leave deciphering, and clairvoyance two people met. What's the chance of this? I might not be laughing tomorrow.
Somebody: "I would like to read your blog."
Me: "It is private."
Somebody: "Rabbi Seligman reads it."
Me: "WHAT? How did he ever stumble across it? I had no idea he reads it. It must take him hours each day to decipher it."

The trial

What is your name: "My name is Lara the blogger".
What did you do? "Sorry, I can only give you my name and serial number".
What can you say in your defense? "IT'S HISTORY, GET OVER IT."

Can we find each other in the dark?

Rabbi Seligman has had a supernatural experience. His ghost came to visit him. His ghost has bugged me recently and apparently the ghost bugged Rabbi Seligman as well and so Rabbi Seligman took action and told the ghost: "Be banished from the Kingdom of God." Then the ghost was perplexed because the ghost, as ghost are, thought he was invisible. It was sheer luck......What do you call that? Not the luck of the Irish but the "luck of the ghost."

Who wants to read this?

Well, I got a call today and somebody wanted to find my blog. This blog is only for those who can find the blog for themselves. Fall into it by sheer luck, so to speak. OK, OK there have been one or two people whom I have told about the blog in the past but now it is an underground blog. Who would want to read these wonderful stories about Rabbi Seligman, Mrs. Fritchley and Hitchley, the nun, and Heloise? Nobody unless you are ready for a bedtime story. Perhaps Lara needs a brain/sex/whatever transplant and become George. "Life with George." Hmmmm, not yet - only if Chucky were to find out.

Special from Heloise

Heloise thinks I deserve a crown:
"Your CROWN will be made from light-weight balloon material so you won't have a headache! As long as it's not filled with helium, you'll be fine! I can see it now: "EXTRA! EXTRA! HEADLINES! People all over the planet are saying they've seen this helium CROWN that is filled with mubies and bearls, floating over the Mississippi River, the Atlantic Ocean and Pacific Ocean! NASA is sending up a rocket to gather more information on this phenomena! We are wondering WHO this crown belongs to.....NASA thought it might belong to Hillary Clinton as she often wore hats that looked like satellites (remember inauguration day when her husband was President?" "
As long as they don't wont shoot me down.......

What a lovely Moon

Enshrouded in clouds tonight, very lovely. Took a widow out to dinner tonight. Skipped my bookclub but had a headache earlier today and was not into the book anyway. Now I am home and will read something for a while that I like.

Today with Mrs. Anderson

Me: Gooood morning Mrs. Anderson.
Client: What's good about it?
Me: I can tell you are having a problem. How can I help you?
Client: I cannot get my pancakes to rise.
Me: Mrs. Anderson this rising effect is strictly are Catholic thing. Are you Catholic?
Client: No.
Me: What religious beliefs you do have, may I ask?
Client: I am a vegetarian.
Me: That explains why your pancakes will not rise. You have to stick to bananas.
Client: How does it work for bananas?
Me: You invite two bananas into your home and all three of you have to be celibate and have to have separate bedrooms. At night, you go from bedroom to bedroom and check on each other.
Client: What happens if I find the two bananas together?
Me: You skin them alive and eat them.
Client: Is there no hope for me and the pancakes then?
Me: There might be a backdoor Catholic way. I will have to check my "Life Coach Handbook for Dummies." However, that research will cost you extra.
Me: I warn you, however. Getting your pancakes to rise is probably only an event in a life and death situation. You may be in a car accident and close to death and a Muslim comes by and THEN, if you ask him, your pancakes may rise at home.
Client: What good will that do me if I am dying and my pancakes will rise at home?
Me: Mrs. Anderson, think of your happy husband at home! You are gone and he has pancakes.
That will be $64.39 for today. I will call you tomorrow.

Life Coach

I decided to be a Life Coach over the Internet. You can set your own fees. Mine will be $8.95 per minute. Folks I am trying this out on you. Let me know if I have talent.
Me: Gooood morning Mrs. Anderson.
Client: I thunk I've a bad hairday.
Me: Mrs. Anderson that is probably because your hair is still over your eyes. Turn your head around 180 degrees so that you bangs are not at the back of your head but at the front.
Me: Ready, slow, turn. Did it work?
Client: Yiiip.
Me: What is your problem today Mrs. Anderson?
Client: My toenails.
Me: Mrs. Anderson your toenails are a reflection of your sole.
Client: Soul?
Me: No, in your case Mrs. Anderson, the sole, as in fish.....
Client: Ah So-----le
Me: Yes, your toenails are a reflection of your sole. If your sole is dirty, your toenails are probably dirty, too.
Client: Is there any help?
Me: I have an exorcist.....
Client: Never mind
Me: Well then, if you are so uncooperative, let us start with socks. Get some socks out of your drawer and put them on.
Client: Clean or dirty socks?
Me: It won't matter in your case Mrs. Anderson.
Me: Your time is up. That will be $86.05. Visa or MasterCard? I will call you again tomorrow.

I think I have found my calling as a life coach

The Wednesday Thing

I advertised that we have a basket bingo dance coming up at our branch. It goes like this: you dance a lot and when someone steps on your toes, you cry out "Bingo" and you get a basket for your pain. Rabbi Seligman handed out the baskets in the past but someone else will have to do it because Rabbi Seligman got promoted and is now on this Caribbean Island reading the Torah at the beach. WHEREAS I went with the mice today and had breakfast along with the branch manager and it was very nice. We have attracted another mouse to come to the table. I came home late in the afternoon and Fr. Wolfgang had called and we filled out a form over the phone. He has a young man working for him as a recruiter who should have filled out the form but this young man seems to be allergic to paperwork and it did not get done. I told Fr. Wolfgang it will only take us 20 minutes if we do it over the phone together. Might have been a little lie but it did not take more than 20 minutes and 20 seconds. So there. Tomorrow I will type it up nice and clean and e-mail it to him. Now I am going to pray the rosary for Rabbi Seligman and Fr. Wolfgang. They come as a package and I pray the rosary for them. I love doing it. I almost forgot to mention it: went to our Wednesday night evening. Lots of little discussion groups tonight and very good.

Blessed be the Snow

What a lovely day. New Jerusalem was really surprised. She ran out and quickly came back. The snow was higher than she is and she had to jump. Paisley ran after me but she is larger and New Jerusalem waited inside the garage with the garage door open until we came back from the mail box. So we took it easy and I got a little bit of work done. By mid-afternoon my driveway was shoveled free (not by me) and the nun came by to pick me up for a quick slice of pizza and a salad. The Bible Class with the Crucified got cancelled for tomorrow and so I can get more work done tomorrow morning. Fr. Wolfgang called and I am about to pray a rosary for him now. Actually, it is Rabbi Seligman and he who come as a package. So I pray the rosary for both of them. Fr. Wolfgang reminds me ever so often to pray for my enemies but that is really, really tough. I actually only have one enemy but like a hot air balloon, he is larger than life. I wish I could somehow prick him and make him shrink to nothing, have him fizzle out, poooff, gone. I heard that he is occupied with the demonic again. Mentioned the subject twice on Sundays from the altar. Every time he does it, people get more confused. Well, I think he has a big demon and there it stops.

Mass where?

We are having a retreat next Saturday. Not at our place but the place next door - up the road. The Big Herod is also having a retreat on that Saturday. Now the priest from the place next door - up the road - is going to the Big Herod's place and celebrating Mass there in the morning. You would think he would support his own retreat day and offer a Mass. Apparently not. I am not going to the Big Herod's place for Mass but will go to "our retreat" day at least for the morning. Our last mission was a total failure. People went to sleep and I could only stand it for one evening. The retreats have been a little better. I have offered to the Church of the Crucified a great mission preacher which I can get. Yes, I mentioned this offer at our church as well but Miss Hitchley, one of the holy ones, never picks up on it. I am way past getting perturbed about it. The Church of the Crucified has a lovely young priest who seems to be more with it.